


Pat's Not Okay

by MagicQuill42



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 06:31:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16907913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicQuill42/pseuds/MagicQuill42
Summary: Depression isn’t fun for anyone, and it looks different every other day. But Patton’s good at being okay. He could pull it all together for his friends.





	Pat's Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> (Very much a vent fic based on @asofterfan‘s punk au.)

“Pat? You okay?”

Patton looked up from his lunch and smiled at his friends.

“Yeah! Just spaced out a second. Guess you could say I’m a real star!”

Logan groaned, but the others laughed. Roman grinned at him and finished telling his grandiose tale of… something Patton had lost track of. The theatre’s latest play probably. Roman was always doing cool things there. He even stopped from getting piercings like the others so he could get the leads.

He was so strong like that.

Patton’s eyes traveled to Logan. Smart, witty Logan. Logan who could back up any threat he made, be it intellectual or physical. One of Patton’s favorite memories was of Logan refusing to “engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent” just before punching someone.

Logan was strong too. So so strong.

Virgil made a snarky comment, which made Roman offended and Patton’s eyes land on him.

Here was the strongest of them all. Virgil had been through who knows what and still spent the day playfully sassing them. His frame was thin and his arms were covered in bruises but he still… he still had the strength to smile.

Virgil’s life sucked. He got panic attacks almost every other day. His home life was the worst.

He needed them. He needed them for stability. He needed them to be happy, to be strong. Needed Patton to be happy.

Patton shoved his feelings in a mental closet and smiled at their bickering. No time for all that right now.

Just smile, Pat. Smile for Virgil.

////////

He was stitching Logan up. Again.

He wanted to be mad. He really did. Logan has gotten his face busted in for a stupid reason and all Patton wanted was to actually feel the heat he was putting into his scolding.

“Oh my gosh, Patton!” Logan exclaimed. “It’s not as if this is the worst encounter I’ve ever been in! What is making you so wound up?”

Patton huffed. “I just- you’re so… ugh!”

He threw the rag on the counter and glared at the window.

“It isn’t the worst fight you’ve been in. And that’s the problem!” Patton chewed his lip, teeth carefully avoiding the piercings. “You can’t draw blood at every dumb thing someone says. Or else you’ll… what if something else really bad happens but you’re already hurt? Then you’ll be double hurt!”

He felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. He looked over at Logan, whose face was a lot gentler than it had been moments ago.

“I see.” He said. “Is that all?”

“I mean… we take care of each other, Lo. How are you supposed to take care us if you’re already hurt.”

Logan smiles softly and rolled his eyes.

“I suppose that is an opinion to consider. In the future I shall to try to exercise more discretion. Will that suffice?”

Patton laughed lightly. “Yeah. That would be… ice.”

Logan groaned as Patton held up the ziplock he’d frozen.

“I take it back. I’ll never fight again if it will stop you from making jokes.”

Patton laughed. “Neither of us could keep that promise, kiddo.”

“I’m older than you.”

“I’m more mature!”

Patton grinned as Logan gave him an offended look.

But the smile felt hollow, deep down. The moment he stopped he knew the empty feeling would resurface.

But if he kept laughing, they’d stay back for a moment. Even if the smile was only surface level, he’d keep it up.

Keep smiling Patton. Keep smiling for Logan.

/////////////

Patton was on the floor. He wasn’t sure why. He’d been fine not ten seconds ago. His thoughts were all jumbled.

He really wanted a hug. He needed to get to Roman’s play. He really didn’t want to move.

But the bathroom floor was pretty cold. It’d probably be warmer if he went to the play. He could probably get a hug if he went to the play. If not from Virgil or Logan than definitely from Roman after the performance. He could probably pass it off as excitement, too, so it wouldn’t be particularly hard.

But the auditorium might as well have been ten million miles away. He did not want to move.

Get up Pat. Said a little voice in his head. Just get up and get it all over with.

He exhaled heavily and heaved himself up.

Ugh.

He was so tired. He just wanted a break from all the messy thoughts in his head. Not enough for anything drastic, but sometimes he felt that if there were some kind of pause button, he’d press it and take a nap.

After adjusting to make sure he didn’t look different, Patton looked his reflection in the eye.

Just keep smiling. Keep smiling for Roman.

///////

Patton had never felt so tired in his life, which was made all the worse by the fact that he honestly didn’t have a reason to feel so bad.

He’d eaten, he’d gotten enough sleep. He’d… well okay he hadn’t showered, but he’d been meaning to for about three days now. So he’d probably do it tomorrow.

He’d meant to do his homework, too. But he kept putting it off. He only had math left and really didn’t want to deal with floating numbers. Or anything really.

He also meant to do the dishes. And the laundry. And his hair. And there was a house in the Sims he’d wanted to build.

Instead he found himself laying on his bed and watching YouTube video after YouTube video. Not doing any of it and trying not to fall asleep.

It made him antsy, not doing any of it. But for some reason he couldn’t work up the motivation to actually move.

He didn’t even like YouTube.

Patton paused the video and rolled into his back. He stared at the ceiling for a while, but the ceiling didn’t stare back so it got boring pretty quick.

He frowned at it. Stupid ceiling.

Patton jumped as his phone buzzed and he scrambled to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Pat,” Virgil said. “You home right now?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“Roman found out that Lo’s never seen the Lion King, so he’s insisting on a Disney marathon. Logan didn’t want you to be left out so if it’s good with your mom we’ll swing by and pick you up.”

“Aw!” Patton said. “Did he really say that?”

“Well kinda.” Virgil laughed. “Specifically he said “if I have to suffer through your malodorous nonsense than so do all our associates,” which I think translates into “if I go down, I’m bringing you all with me.”

Patton giggled. “I’ll be waiting by the door. Make sure you tell Roman I a-door Winnie the Pooh.”

He heard Virgil groan. “That one was bad Pat. Even for you. But I’ll make sure he gets the message.”

“Thanks! See you soon!”

Patton’s smile wavered as he hung up.

Did he honestly have the energy for a movie night right now? The answer was probably no, but he’d already agreed, so it was too late.

He shook his head forcefully. He liked Disney movies. He liked his friends. Surely the combination of both would be enough to combat all the… static in his head right now.

Not your head. Part of him whispered. It’s your heart that’s the problem.

You should just cut it out. Another part whispered.

Patton sighed and glared at his ceiling.

“I’m not gonna do that. That’s stupid.” He mumbled. “I wouldn’t be able to feel anything if I cut my heart out. Not to mention i would literally die.”

Yes, because you’re feeling so much right now.

Patton frowned.

“I’m gonna name you Ulga, I think. For all your Ulga-ly ideas.”

Now that’s just mean.

“Yeah. It is.” Patton sighed. “I’m sure there’s some very nice Ulgas. Who have very pretty ideas and very pretty faces.”

That was mean.

“I know.”

You’re just a mean person.

“I know.”

No matter how hard you try to be nice you’ll always be mean. Mean and selfish.

“Yeah.”

I mean, just look at Thomas! Your own brother and you hardly give him the time of day anymore. Do you even know what his favorite kind of cookie is now?

“…no.”

That used to be so important. And now you don’t even know. What kind of big brother are you? Some Dad 2.0. You aren’t even the prototype.

Patton closed his eyes and bit down on the inside of his cheek. Hard.

The flow of thoughts lessened, but they kept bouncing in his head. Echoing like a creepy documentary on caves.

It was not, he decided, a documentary he liked.

“Patton, honey?” His mom called up. “Your friends are here for you.”

“Be right down!”

Just keep smiling. Just keep smiling. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. Keep smiling.

****

They were all sitting on Roman’s couch, Disney movie in the background but nearly forgotten. They’d somehow gotten on the topic of Hogwarts houses (Patton was a proud Hufflepunk) and discovered Virgil didn’t know his.

“Come on guys, I’m hardly Hufflepuff material.” He scoffed. “I’m not hard working and I’m hardly friendly.”

Patton scowled. “I will physically fight you.”

Logan shrugged. “I suppose that holds truth. The friendly part at least. Patton’s the only one of us who goes out of his way to be nice.”

“I’ll fight you, too, Logan Sanders! Don’t test me!”

Logan rolled his eyes and Roman stroked his chin thoughtfully.

“Perhaps you could join me in Gryffindor? I could see us going on some truly epic quests!”

Virgil chuckled. “I’m literally anxiety incarnat and you want to put me in the house of the brave? Come on Ro.”

“Well it’s not like that’s all there is to you!” Roman huffed.

“No but it’s probably the biggest thing.” Virgil said. “It takes up a lot of my energy and time.”

“So do those pictures you make!” Patton said. “That’s a big part of you too, kiddo.”

“Agreed.” Logan said. “Virgil you are defined by more than your mental illness. No one is. I cannot speak for the others, but you know that I suffer from atychiphobia. But I do not let my fear of failure alone define me.”

Roman nodded. “I know it sounds hard to believe, but there are times when I can’t stand myself. It feels like if i don’t have everyone else’s love I won’t have my own. But if I let that be all there was to me there wouldn’t be any point to it!”

Patton smiled. “See kiddo? We’ve all got stuff to work through, but what we’re working through isn’t all there is to us. We- what?”

He stuttered at the peculiar look Virgil was giving him.

“I just… nothing.”

“No, come on, what is it?” Patton asked.

“We’re having a heartfelt moment!” Roman said. “You are nigh required to say what’s on your mind!”

“Yeah, it’s the perfect time to be Roman-o cheesy!”

Roman and Logan groaned, but it looked like just the laugh Virgil needed to open up again.

He seemed to swallow before speaking again.

“I just… you don’t have to answer but… Pat you didn’t say anything for you. Is there something you’re working through or…”

Patton blinked as the other two looked thoughtful.

“Now that you mention it…”

“You did dodge the question rather artfully.”

Patton gulped himself, suddenly feeling like he’d swallowed too much cookie dough. He’d really really really hoped none of them would notice.

Virgil must have seen his expression because he was backpedaling quickly.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve- that was- you don’t have to say anything I was just curious and I-“

“No it’s okay.” Patton said quietly. “It’s probably time I told you guys anyway.”

He took a deep breath, looking at the movie rather than any of them.

“I… I have depression.”

The others fell silent. Probably in shock, but Patton dutifully watched the screen. Trying not to think about what they were thinking.

“Wow,” Virgil said. “Pat I never even realized-“

“Oh you wouldn’t have!” Patton said brightly. “It’s not something I really like to talk about. Don’t always feel like I should, ya know?”

He felt Logan’s eyes boreing through his plastered-on smile.

“Would it be intrusive if we asked why that is?”

Patton swallowed again. “Well… I guess I just feel like I haven’t been through a whole lot. Depressed people usually have a reason for feeling bad, but I… I like my life! I like my family, my school. I definitely like my friends.”

He heard Virgil half-laugh at that and felt Roman nudge his shoulder.

“I guess… I guess I feel like I haven’t don’t anything to deserve feeling depressed.” He continued. “Not that earning it is a good thing! I just… there’s nothing wrong in my life. So there’s no reason for me to feel this way.”

Patton hugged his knees, eyes still fixed to the colorful heffalumps on the tv as they twirled around the woosels.

Slowly, he felt a pairs of arms wrap around him. He turned to find himself nearly nose to nose with Virgil.

Virgil’s sharp brown eyes fluttered with an intensity he’d only seen when someone insulted Logan. The purple fringe around them almost seemed to puff up indignantly as Virgil squeezed his rib cage.

“You don’t need to earn it, Pat.” He whispered. “It’s not about who’s been through the most, it’s about stupid brain junk that no one has control over.”

“Indeed.” Logan said, shoving his glasses up his nose. “While the most obvious causes of depression are abuse and the like, often times it can boil down to mere genetics. The reasons vary, but it is often that the brain is performing in a faulty manner regarding your mood regulation. It can have very little and often nothing to do with your personal situation.”

“What the nerd is trying to say,” Roman said. “Is that anyone can get depression, puffball. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been in life.”

“That is exactly what I just said!”

“Yeah, only in English.” Virgil retorted.

Logan sputtered and started to launch into a rant of how just because they didn’t know the words he was saying that didn’t mean he was speaking another tongue.

Patton giggled. He and Virgil nestled into Roman as they watched Logan pace and rant. Evidently he also hadn’t missed Virgil’s “shouldn’t’ve” earlier and it was apparently slander against the very language they claimed he wasn’t speaking.

“Thanks guys.” He said softly. “It… it means a lot that you guys are being so cool about this.”

Logan stopped mid-sentence and faces them.

“Well of course. I only wish you had confided in us sooner.”

“It’s okay not to be okay.” Virgil said. “And it’s okay to tell others when you aren’t okay.”

Patton offered a wobbly smile. “Yeah. I guess… I guess I just needed to hear that.”

Logan softened minisculely and rejoined them on the couch, just at the edge of the cuddle puddle.

“Of course, you know what’s cooler than being cool?” He asked.

Logan have him a puzzled look. “Hypothermia?”

Patton blinked before he heard Virgil snicker and they all lost it. They were laughing so hard he thought he might crush Virgil by rolling around. All except a very confused looking Logan.

“I was- I was going to-to say-“ he said between his giggles . “ICE COLD! But that- that was even better L-Lo!”

Logan huffed and made to move off the couch.

“You are all hooligans and I am ashamed to know you.”

***

Eventually they coaxed Logan back and even got him to join the cuddle pile, though he insisted on a strict “no more puns rule” on pain of him getting a chair from the dining room and staying there.

It wasn’t all bad though. Patton was surrounded by his best friends as they plowed through movie after movie. They only time one of them got up was for more snacks or so Roman could have space to sing/dance to whatever song he couldn’t resist. He couldn’t resist most of them, but Patton could tell he was trying so he didn’t have to get up as much.

He fell asleep at some point during Home on the Range and woke up to a bright blue screen, informing him the DVD player had fallen asleep. Glancing around, he saw the others had fallen asleep too. They were all tangled together in a knot of hair dye and spikes.

And he wouldn’t have it any other way. Patton smiled gently and tried to mentally take a photo of the moment. He wanted to be able to look back on it in darker moments. Because while he could still feel sadness lapping at his ankles, he no longer felt like he was drowning.

And that made it all okay.


End file.
